Archive for November, 2010

November 29, 2010

Shpoogie Woogie and Smiles

I’m not your typical mom. I struggle with the whole motherhood thing and I think it’s because I had a kid before I was ready. I was 22 when I had him, which is older than most new moms now and days, but I hadn’t graduated from college, traveled the world and I’m still not married. The kid aggravates me probably more than 50% of the time and I don’t get those warm fuzzies of fulfillment that most moms experience. You know how most moms feel their life is complete because they had a kid? I never understood that feeling. It doesn’t take much work to conceive a child and pretty much anyone can do it. It’s not like completing a degree or climbing a mountain, it’s more like catching the flu. When people list having kids as an accomplishment I always think “Ohhh, so you’re a loser who never did anything with your life…” Plus it’s like you’re bragging that you pooped out a baby and your baby more than likely sucks. They could turn into a felon, or a whore or an average joe with nothing valuable to contribute to society. You never know what type of jerk you’re gonna raise, so why brag about making babies when it hasn’t done anything brag worthy?

Speaking of raising jerks, my kid isn’t your typical kid. He has a bad temper, he cries a lot, and has told me on more then one occasion that he’s running away to grandma’s house. He’s impulsive, just recently got over his fear of balls, and has tendencies to not be very happy or friendly. He’s 3, who wants to babysit?

Our interactions aren’t typical for your average mother-son duo. We have the strangest relationship ever, but it works. He kisses my boo boos just like I do for him. He tells me I’m pretty, and sometimes he shares his fruit snacks with me. We hug and kiss each other and say I love you but we don’t really like each other. It’s like we both know we’re kinda stuck for the next few years and just try to make the best of our situation. I’m not just speaking from my perspective either. I know he doesn’t like me because he told me the other day. He said “I not like you”. My feelings were hurt so I told him “I not like you either.” We then just sat in the room not talking to each other for several hours until he got hungry and yelled at me to make him some white pasta.

We argue a lot. We argue a lot but it works for us. We mainly argue because of his inability to tell the truth or know what the heck. He cries and screams loudly in public. He often makes things up and pulls douchebag moves like walks slow when I’m in a hurry or throws objects that I asked him to hand to me. He tells people that I have a tail and that I wear diapers which is completely untrue. When he goes potty, he calls me to wipe him because he’s finished but then yells at me to leave because he’s not done. He tells me he wants white pasta, then when I’ve finished preparing it, he says he didn’t want white pasta, he wants chicken nuggets. After I’ve made the chicken nuggets he says he wants pasta and after I make the pasta he says chicken nuggets again. I make the chicken nuggets then he yells at me because I didn’t make fries. He’s been calling me a shpoogie woogie for the past few weeks and I don’t really know what that means but it doesn’t sound like a compliment so I decided I was offended.

It’s difficult to converse with him. Partly because he’s three and also because he’s a jerk and also because he’s a boy.

Me: “Landon go use the potty”

Landon: “Me not have to potty”

Me: “Landon use the potty”

Landon: “No I not use the potty, you use the potty”.

Me: “I don’t need to use the potty I already went.”

Landon: “You not went to the potty, you potty on yourself”

Me: “Landon pull down your pants and use the potty!!!”

Landon: “I don’t need to potty!” as he uses the potty

Me: “I thought you didn’t need to potty Landon?”

Landon: “I not potty”

Me: “And you better not tell people I went to the potty on myself”

Landon: “I tell everybody…”

I use to struggle with my semi-pessimistic feelings towards the kid. I don’t like spending every waking moment with him and I can actually think of a billion things I’d rather be doing then raising a kid. Traveling without stressing about a sitter, using the bathroom in peace or eating ice cream by myself are just a few.  As time goes on, I notice that I struggle less with motherhood. Landon and I don’t get along every single second of the day and most people who love each other don’t. We argue a lot but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I miss him when he’s gone and I sit in my room and watch spongebob after he leaves. He lies his arse off, but his stories make me smile. Like when he told his teacher that his name was Dee Dee Harris or when he came home and said his dad poops standing up. Even when he called me a shpoogie woogie, my response was “Your daddy is a shpoogie woogie” but in the inside I smiled at his creativity. Who thinks of words like that?

He doesn’t like me and I don’t like him, but we love each other regardless of our flaws and I think that’s more respectable. I’d prefer my children love me because I earned it, and not because I’m the person who randomly pooped them out. We’re not the traditional family who love each other because of our title, we’re actually better.

November 2, 2010

Gato Negro

A few weeks ago a black man was killed by the police. It’s unfortunate because a man lost his life and someone lost their son, boyfriend, cousin, nephew, and friend. When we hear these stories in the black community one word comes to mind. Racism. When I heard the story I thought wow, why would they shoot and kill him? I later found out this particular young man was the same person who robbed several banks in the area with a gun, so when the police came to arrest him, of course he ran. They opened fire when he went into his pocket to grab what turned out to be something that wasn’t a gun. Do we still think the police are racist? Or was this young man living a life that eventually led to his demise?

There is a trend of black people crying race in situations that are not race related. There’s a larger epidemic of black people crying race in situations when the black person involved was wrong. According to the theory, black men are held at a higher standard but they clearly aren’t living up to it. Without starting a dialogue about slavery and its impact on the african american community today, the facts remain we have opportunities that didn’t exist 50 years ago. The days of physical racism are over black men. You can make choices. You can choose to get an education, you can choose to not rob a bank, you can choose to be inconvenienced by doing what’s right and not what comes easier.

A debate ensued recently after Lebron stated he thinks race played a part in him being scrutinized so harshly by the media. I know an idiot who had made the same comments on Facebook so when Lebron came out with his statement, that added fuel to the fire. This guy is the type who had an estimated 10.7 status updates per week complaining about how “his life is so hard because he’s black, black men are the most hated and most feared, black men have to work harder because they’re black and if you’re not a black man then you can’t comment because you’re not black and don’t understand since you’re not black”. Frustrating right? So when he de-friended me for sharing my opinion I was like sweet! one less loser status update popping up on my news feed.

I’ve made several observations about this particular type of black man because I’ve met several in my lifetime. They typically:

1. don’t complete their education

2.don’t have/can’t keep a job

3.don’t respect women

4.make excuses when things don’t work in their favor

The young man wasn’t shot and killed because of his history with armed robbery and drugs, Lebron wasn’t scrutinized because of his douchetastic decision-making skills, and the facebook idiot is an unemployed, wanna-be singer not because of his unfinished education and lack of talent  but yes you guessed it! Because they’re black.

I believe we still deal with institutionalized racism but no one is taking our fathers from our homes and tying them to railroad tracks anymore. Statistically speaking, black men have a pretty sucky start at life! But it’s 2010 militant, black man, get over yourself and get an education. “The Man” isn’t waiting at the doors of Harvard, or your local community college/trade school with fire hoses waiting to hose down the next negro who looks thirsty. So what are you waiting for? Ok, ok maybe college isn’t for everyone, but at least get a clue, a plan and a job. Sigh…ok, ok maybe working isn’t for everyone either. So if you decide to rob a bank, sell drugs, and for those who do work, humiliate an entire city by going on national television to tell them you quit after we waited 3 months for your decision, at least recognize that death, jail sentences and scrutiny will follow because of  poor choices, not racism.

Lebron posed a good question, What should he do? What should we do as a race? He mentioned something about disappearing, which I think sounds like a fabulous idea! Anyone named Lebron and everyone who makes excuses for their poor decisions can disappear, then we’ll be one step closer to peace. I’ll be honest with you though, he probably won’t disappear. He’ll probably more than likely come out with another aggravating statement and/or commercial in another month or so. Then everyone will get worked up and angry and will say stuff like “oh Lebron is so stupid and ugly and insensitive and we hate him so much” and the cycle continues. Black men will sell drugs, rob banks, not seek employment or education, make babies and be poor examples to their children while blaming “The Man” and that cycle will continue as well. I say we end both cycles now and all it takes is one glass of wine.

I propose a toast to the death of excuses and Lebron’s Nike ad!