Posts tagged ‘relationships’

March 17, 2011

Chocolate Wasted Baby Making

A few years ago a young woman made a comment that I always thought was ridiculous and absurd. The fact that we were both pregnant and hormonal blinded me from knowing which of us was responsible for the ridiculousness so I always blamed her by default. We were having our normal pregnant pow-wow one evening when I jokingly referred to her as a “baby momma”. At the time I felt their wasn’t anything wrong with calling someone a baby momma because it’s not like it’s a swear word. I didn’t call her a bitch or an ass-whore so what’s the problem right? Calling someone a baby momma was more so unpleasant because it sounds ghetto. In my book, this was a good enough reason to not to use it in a serious or professional conversation, but not so bad that I couldn’t refer to someone as such while joking off the record. Either way, she gets super offended (even though I’m pregnant and unmarried as well) and screams “I’m not a baby momma, I’m too educated!” So to make a long story short, I took it personal and ran home to cry because I was pregnant and hormonal and super insecure about being late in life (see Pinot’s and No-No’s). “Why was she mean to me? Just because she has a degree doesn’t make her better! Not only does she have a degree but I don’t! and we’re both having a child by men who we aren’t in a relationship with anymore!” At that point I probably called her a few of those colorful words and rightfully so right? Right.

So fast forward a few years.  One evening my mom, and my “baby daddy” and I were briefly conversing on the phone. As he’s talking to my mom, he refers to me as his “BM”. My mom asks “what’s a BM? a bowel movement?” He says “I could see that being the case too, but no it’s a baby momma”. It’s traditionally difficult for me to get along with both of these people so I was actually fading in and out of the conversation until I heard him say “BM”. I immediately became offended and I interrupt them, “I am not a baby momma, and I hope you don’t refer to me as that”. My mom jumps in and says “Well if you’re not a baby momma then what are you?” I said “I’m his ex!” Just then I realized how valid my old friends irrational statement truly was.  She never went into detail about her point, or maybe she just didn’t bother explaining to me but that didn’t make it less true. She was able to connect with what being a baby momma entailed and it wasn’t until I heard myself being called one that I connected with that meaning for myself.

Some may disagree, but to me a baby momma is random. Even if she loved, she wasn’t loved. She wasn’t treated special. She wasn’t recognized on her birthday or valentines day and when she gave the news to the lucky guy that she was pregnant, he was probably less than happy. A baby momma wasn’t an obligation and she was probably only ever contacted to do “the do”. Education plays a major role in this situation. It’s not about how many degrees you earn, it’s about the amount of times you settle for less than your worth. Are you in a relationship with a person who’s not in a relationship with you? Does he take you out in public or bring you home to mom? Does he treat you like a princess and do things just to see you smile? Does he feel obligated to help you when life goes wrong?

My friend was right. I’m educated and therefore cannot be considered a baby momma. Argument settled. I was in a relationship for two years before the kid was born. I was always remembered on special days and acknowledged on not so special days whether it be with a phone call or flowers. During the course of our involvement I was laid off from work on two separate occasions, but working or not, whether we were together or not, I never worried about unpaid bills or not being able to have a drink with a friend. Regardless of our status he felt obligated to take care of me. I’m not glorifying single parenting because that’s a different subject of suckiness and I’m also not implying that our relationship was ideal. If that were the case we would be married or together still. Our relationship in essence could be described as not being the absolute best like the two kids from the Titanic, but not being the absolute worst like Ike and Tina. Yea…

I didn’t have a child with a man who would one day proudly call me his wife, but I also didn’t choose the man who made me his random Monday night fling. Fortunately and unfortunately, I fall somewhere in-between the two. It’s that huge gray area on the spectrum of relationships where you’ll find kisses, flowers, family trips to the children’s museum and irate calls at 4 am. I’m not super picky about the title, as long as it’s not a phrase that begins with the letters “B” and “M”. This means I’m not the woman who will ever consider Baby Momma, Bowel Movement, or Booger Machine terms of endearment. Call me Landon’s mom, an ex-girlfriend, a friend, or an enemy. And if none of those fit, Tonya works just as well.